How much and for how long are you allowed to miss someone? Tricky question, huh? Well, don't worry too much guys, this is not an exam or application form that needs to be completed. It's just something I've been thinking about lately.
Are you allowed to miss the ones who hurt you or leave you? Cause I am not pretty sure you are. Is it permitted to feel sadness and melancholy when you think about the special moments you shared with a person? And hey, have a look at the verb I've just used... I said 'shared' cause its in the past. Long gone. No more with you.
Again tricky, huh?
I once watched a film in which the main character did lose his parents in a terrible car crash. He was terribly affected by this but in the end he realised both his mum and dad didn't choose to leave him. It just happened. He knew they loved him but there was nothing he could possibly do about it. They were gone. Still, when he understood they both had to leave without a choice, he felt an instant relief.
And this is exactly what I feel when I think about my aunt, who passed away last year.
My brain has deleted the first days without her. I do remember when I got that terrible missed called from my dad on my phone. I called him back, expecting the worst. I was at uni and my lectures had just finished. It was tuesday. 16th of April. I remember the pain I felt when he told me. It was physical, something inside my chest tore apart. I was bleeding and I could feel it so I started to cry and sob pathetically... but didn't care.
I also remember what I did that day... how miserable and desperate I felt.
But after that... nothing. You could ask me a million times but seriously, I don't have the answer. I don't know how I woke up the next day. I don't remember if I went to uni or stayed at home. I can't recall my feelings. Cause my mind seems to be way more intelligent than me and has decided to erase those painful moments when I think I realised my aunt was no longer with me. Not even one more minute.
Well thank you, brain! It would be unbearable to remember how broken I was when everything I knew was that she was gone for good.
Still, she didn't have a choice. And if she could have been able to choose, I promise you she would have chosen to stay with us. Forever.
I don't know if she was afraid to die. She never told me. I was scared she could be, though. I didn't want her to be, I would have loved to tell her that she didn't needed to because everything was going to be ok. But how can you even pronounce those words? How can they even cross your mind?
So I don't know if she was terrified cause she didn't mention it. But I was. The simple thought of losing her made me burst into tears and start shaking, literally. How was I gonna be able to cope with the pain? And shit me! Is there anyway to cope with that? Is there a secret formula or magic spell that protects your heart to break into pieces? Cause it breaks. And you can accurately count the pieces.
I wanted so bad to know the answer. I was desperately in need of something or someone that could tell me there was a way to escape, that there was a hidden exit and that losing someone you love wouldn't be as if a part of you was disappearing as well. But I didn't, I couldn't find that shield. When my aunt died, I died with her. In a certain way.
And I don't remember how I found recovery. Most of you would tell that it was 'time' but I'm sorry I'm not sorry to disagree with you all. Time only attenuates the pain.
I like to compare this with a wound that has certainly healed in some way but which starts burning if you touch the scar that remains.
And some times I ask myself if whenever I am old I will have all my body and soul and heart full of losing-someone harmful marks. Being myself will be like walking across a minefield. Don't touch me here or I'll explode. You just don't touch my soul. Such a fragile thing it is.
I actually quite like that film about people who leave us and don't have the choice to stay. It's sad and encouraging at the same time. My aunt did have to leave and if there is such thing as Heaven... she's messing around up there. Thinking of her hurts, though. Missing her hurts. But hey, missing people does hurt. The problem comes when you are missing someone who actually decide to leave you.
Let's not be dramatic here, okay? but there are people who leaves us by choice. And darling, you'll also leave people behind, by choice as well. And you'll face the time ahead without them. Friendships and relationships will break, for multiple reasons. And when you are the one who has been left out in the fucking rain it does hurt as hell. You are inside a whirlwind, condemned to live whatever's left of your life without that person. It doesn't really matter why they walked away... maybe they had good motives to do so but even if its a friendship or your boyfriend who has decided he has no longer reasons to stay, you will find yourself falling apart and trying to discover why the days have lost their light and why nothing seems to make sense at all.
Maybe you'll step down to that pub where you met for the first time or walk along the streets where you used to kiss tenderly (and oh fuck! so fiercely too).
The light hasn't faded away, though. The big clock from the station keeps moving... but you don't care about this, do you? cause all you can feel is pure grief. You are fucking stuffed with that shit, looking up and praying its your break time and you can run to the toilets to puke all that loneliness. You can try, for sure, but that will not solve the problem because it has spread within your body like a poison, just a bit quieter, killing you softly with memories. You are committing suicide day by day, feeling miserable asking yourself why on Earth you can't be good enough to make him stay?
Oh baby, but you are. Believe me. You are beautiful inside and out. You are gonna have to hold on and learn.
Just to make things clear: we don't forget those who leave us, whether its by choice or not. We just learn to live without them. It would be too unfair to forget all those who were important to you, wouldn't it?
And pain... oh, pain doesn't disappear for good. You learn to cope and live with it. Don't touch the scars too much, otherwise they'll start bleeding again.
This is why some times I wanna wake up with amnesia, unable to remember. But then again... this would be too unfair as well.
CarmenJimenezV
