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Yesterday I stayed more hours at the Harry Potter Shop. I don't know why. It doesn't make any sense cause I am not gonna be paid for it (for sure). No. I actually signed out at 7pm but... yeah,  when I looked at the time it was exactly 9 o'clock and I was still at King's Cross Station.
I didn't want to go home... you know? I spoke about this with one of my colleagues and she told me she did unterstand what I was talking about. Was trying to keep my mind busy. Oh! And I really like being at the till, guys. 
However, I do realize it was a desperate need of trying not to feel alone and to not have the time to think about the stuff that has been surrounding me lately.

So yeah... I was there guys, sitting in our little and messy staff room trying to decide what to do when I noticed I was completely split between one thing and another, between what I wanted to do and what I was supposed to do. 
Suddenly, this just brought some ideas to my head that I wanted to put down in words. I started to think of how much I remember my parents telling me the difference between 'want' and 'should': Hey Carmen, you want to eat pizza everyday but you shouldn't cause it's not healthy. Carmen, you want to stay in bed all day long just watching rom-com films but you can't cause you should be at work. Carmen, you want to punch that b*tch in the face but you shouldn't cause obviously you'll break your wrist. Carmen, you want to read tonight but you really should try and sleep. Carmen, you want to go out wearing ballerinas but you should not do that cause it's f*cking winter, you live in London and your little toes are gonna get frozen. Carmen, you obviously want him back by your side but you should fight those feelings cause they only hurt you.

And so the list goes on, guys...

There is (ACTUALLY) a great difference between what we want to do and what we should do and we all know that. Once and again these two verbs match though: Carmen, you want to buy yourself a Longchamp and I am pretty sure you should cause you can't keep going around with your shitty Primark bags. Carmen, you want to go to Waterstones and spend time looking for a great book and you should cause this is a good way to improve yourself. Carmen, you want to eat McDonald's today and you should do it cause you deserve to treat yourself once in a while. Carmen, you want to go and study a Literature course and you should spend money on it cause its gonna help you develop your knowledge on this aspect. Carmen, you want to take this boy back to yours and you should cause you actually have deep feelings for him.

Well, fine. These situations are great, aren't they? We are not able to find them so often though so whenever the two rebellious verbs doesn't match (and guys, believe me when I say this happens a lot) all you have to do is to take a deep breath and step out of the situation. Take a minute (or five, actually) to look at it from the outside, to picture yourself tomorrow or in two weeks time... and ask yourself: would I regret having done this? Would this actually hurt me more than its gonna help me to improve and grow and do what I really want to do?

Priorities, guys. That's the main thing. Know who you are and know that is enough. We've all got choices and voices and even though its true that sometimes we just want to follow our instincts and hearts... the truth is that they just (basically) end up messing things around. 

I am not saying that your life must be dictated by your brain's rules, don't get me wrong. I am just trying to make sure you realize that it is important to measure the situations that take place around us. What do you want, darling? And what should you do?

Oh, yeah... you are right... the answer is not easy to find: my mind is telling me one thing... and my heart says another one. Stop screaming inside me! Stop yelling me what to do! Oh! Those f*cking stupid organs, always trying to control me!

My mind says I'm getting better. I'm doing things in the correct way so I shouldn't stop. Oh no, Carmen. You shouldn't go and stay with him tonight. Even if it's just to mess around for a bit. Hey, little girl... you are getting there! You are fighting, Gryffindor! Well done, soldier! Don't spoil everything now. You can actually swim on your own!
And then... ha! there it is... my heart replying so loud: follow me, babe... go and stay with him. Just tonight. Cause you want to, darling. Stop telling yourself you are okay. Are you not listening to me or what? Can't you feel me beating faster whenever he's around? Oh, c'mon! I want you to notice me! I am broken! Let me stay a bit more with him so I can hear his laugh and see his smile. Don't you think I deserve that? I'm already torn! Help me out! Let me hug him and feel his skin again. Just one more night. Am I asking for too much?

Oh, damn!

Step aside, guys. Deep breath. Look after yourselves. What do you want? What should you do? If I must be honest... now that I am thinking about this... I just realize how much I hate the difference between these two verbs. But... hmmm, make them match, guys. Make the things you want be the things you should do. 
Whenever you find the correct balance between the verbs you'll be just fine. Even if it hurts in the beginning... it will get better. That's a guarantee. Make them match. Turn off their voices and think about yourself. What's best for me? Is this gonna help my inner self of what? Cause I don't see the point of doing stuff that's gonna hurt me. 

The good thing here guys is that whether you decide to follow your mind or your heart... you've got a choice. Make sure that choice ends up making you happy.


CarmenJimenezV

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Walking along Westminster Bridge I am listening to some random musical soundtracks. The wind is kinda strong and I am looking down the river an feeling as if I am on stage. Performing, obviously. Getting into each role... you know? Oh wow! What a dramatic girl I have turned into lately!

The truth is that... everyone who knows me is aware of how much I love musicals. And they are all like... Oh Carmen, yeah...stop singing Les Misérables soundtrack! Please! And I always wonder... does this make me a bit weird? Well anyway... who gives a f*ck?

As a musical lover, I am so lucky to be living in London cause (as you all may know) we've got here the West End, where the most famous plays and musicals are performed everyday. 
I haven't had the chance to attend to a lot of them. Yet. I went to Billy Elliot's a while ago and absolutely loved it. It was worth every penny! (Billy is brilliant, guys)
I am also planning to see Mamma Mia! and The Phantom of the Opera as soon as I can. It seems that I am not able to find the time... (or the money!) Oh man! Could my London life get any busier?

However, I did have the chance to attend to many musicals when I was living in Madrid. Les Misérables is one of my favourites, (no doubt!). Also, when I worked as Front of House for the Rialto Theatre '40 El Musical' was on stage and even it had nothing to do with the musicals one could be used to, it was full of energy and always made me smile with its dances and dialogues.

I regret that I never had the chance to see 'Notre Dame de Paris'. Not yet, guys, but I am dying to. I had the opportunity to attend to a representation of this musical when a friend of mine (he's an artist!) performed it with his theatre group. Loved it, btw. The story, the performances... but most of all the songs, Oh guys, musicals make me happy. I just get to feel what the characters feel and I find myself getting into each role and singing stronger (and louder!) than with any other kind of song. 

I've been listening to Notre Dame's songs lately. They make me strong. And they also make me think. There's one specific one that makes me realize the importance of first-sight situations. Have you ever felt them? 
For what I have experienced... there are some times in life when everything just... makes sense. Agreed? A focused photograph appears in front of you. So clear. Clear as pure crystal. Clear as last Saturday's London sky.
Whenever you find yourself in one of those situations... your eyes open wider, your heart starts beating faster and a voice inside you is shouting in your ears: that's it, darling, that's it!

There's these moments in life when the pieces fall into place. Together. Every little detail fits. And this makes you realize all the paths you took just led you to that moment.

I can actually recall so many first-sight situations. And they took place in random days. Suddenly. No notice was given to me but I found myself there I can rememeber my inner-self yelling, screaming: "c'mon kid, this is it. This is what you where looking for so desperately! Take it! Catch the train! Run faster. Look at that map cause is the one that explains how to get out of the maze in which you've been lost lately! 

My heart stops for a moment. And all at once it starts beating as a drum. My eyes completely dry, no blinking and no air coming into my lungs. But then again... finding recovery. My hands trembling along with my body. They tremble gently. And I always feel this thing in my tummy and shoulders and a warm river that gets from the top of my eyelashes to the end of my toes.
My brain collapses. I feel deaf for what seems like hours but it just happens during a few seconds. Instants between seconds, actually. And then... everything goes back to normal. Even though I lost control for a moment, as if I was drunk and dizzy... as if my feet left the ground. But, baby, its always necessary to get them back there.

Listen. Look. For those very first-sight moments. Like when you visited London and saw the Big Ben from Parliament Square and felt as if you belonged in the city that saw painters and poets fading away. 
Or maybe you remember when you went to the theatre and something inside you was whispering that you needed to become an actor cause there was no other way: the stage had to be yours.

That's called love at first-sight, I guess. And yes, dear, you were supposed to be there so every knot could be untightened.

Oh guys... and what about the songs? You are just sitting there, having a coffee at Starbucks with your best friend and this song starts to be played. You listen to the lyrics and suddenly they get into your head. They explain exactly how you feel. Hey, this song understands me!
That's a great first-sight moment, ain't it? The first time you listened to your favourite song or the first time you saw New York's skyscrapers and your stomach went kinda... wow! 
And what about getting back to that first-sight moment when you had an early shift and he saw you? Cause you didn't speak to each other a lot. But that was it, babe... just a look and you were trapped. There was no exit. No possibility of you forgetting the way I smiled. You lost control. And your world stopped for a second... you had never seen anything like that.

And then just... everything made sense. For a while.

So I've been thinking lately about how much I like those first-sight moments where all the pieces match each other. They don't happen quite often but whenever they take place, they make a room for themselves in your memory and stay there forecer. Or, at least, I hope so. I just don't wanna lose that early morning when I saw you standing in silence, looking at me while I was wearing the big blue coat, holding the camera, smiling... cheering everyone up on that cold november day. 

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CarmenJimenezV

CarmenJimenezV. Con la tecnología de Blogger.