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How much and for how long are you allowed to miss someone? Tricky question, huh? Well, don't worry too much guys, this is not an exam or application form that needs to be completed. It's just something I've been thinking about lately. 

Are you allowed to miss the ones who hurt you or leave you? Cause I am not pretty sure you are. Is it permitted to feel sadness and melancholy when you think about the special moments you shared with a person? And hey, have a look at the verb I've just used... I said 'shared' cause its in the past. Long gone. No more with you. 

Again tricky, huh? 

I once watched a film in which the main character did lose his parents in a terrible car crash. He was terribly affected by this but in the end he realised both his mum and dad didn't choose to leave him. It just happened. He knew they loved him but there was nothing he could possibly do about it. They were gone. Still, when he understood they both had to leave without a choice, he felt an instant relief. 
And this is exactly  what I feel when I think about my aunt, who passed away last year.


My brain has deleted the first days without her. I do remember when I got that terrible missed called from my dad on my phone. I called him back, expecting the worst. I was at uni and my lectures had just finished. It was tuesday. 16th of April. I remember the pain I felt when he told me. It was physical, something inside my chest tore apart. I was bleeding and I could feel it so I started to cry and sob pathetically... but didn't care. 

I also remember what I did that day... how miserable and desperate I felt. 
But after that... nothing. You could ask me a million times but seriously, I don't have the answer. I don't know how I woke up the next day. I don't remember if I went to uni or stayed at home. I can't recall my feelings. Cause my mind seems to be way more intelligent than me and has decided to erase those painful moments when I think I realised my aunt was no longer with me. Not even one more minute. 
Well thank you, brain! It would be unbearable to remember how broken I was when everything I knew was that she was gone for good. 

Still, she didn't have a choice. And if she could have been able to choose, I promise you she would have chosen to stay with us. Forever. 

I don't know if she was afraid to die. She never told me. I was scared she could be, though. I didn't want her to be, I would have loved to tell her that she didn't needed to because everything was going to be ok. But how can you even pronounce those words? How can they even cross your mind?

So I don't know if she was terrified cause she didn't mention it. But I was. The simple thought of losing her made me burst into tears and start shaking, literally. How was I gonna be able to cope with the pain? And shit me! Is there anyway to cope with that? Is there a secret formula or magic spell that protects your heart to break into pieces? Cause it breaks. And you can accurately count the pieces. 

I wanted so bad to know the answer. I was desperately in need of something or someone that could tell me there was a way to escape, that there was a hidden exit and that losing someone you love wouldn't be as if a part of you was disappearing as well. But I didn't, I couldn't find that shield. When my aunt died, I died with her. In a certain way. 

And I don't remember how I found recovery. Most of you would tell that it was 'time' but I'm sorry I'm not sorry to disagree with you all. Time only attenuates the pain.

I like to compare this with a wound that has certainly healed in some way but which starts burning if you touch the scar that remains. 
And some times I ask myself if whenever I am old I will have all my body and soul and heart full of losing-someone harmful marks. Being myself will be like walking across a minefield. Don't touch me here or I'll explode. You just don't touch my soul. Such a fragile thing it is. 

I actually quite like that film about people who leave us and don't have the choice to stay. It's sad and encouraging at the same time. My aunt did have to leave and if there is such thing as Heaven... she's messing around up there. Thinking of her hurts, though. Missing her hurts. But hey, missing people does hurt. The problem comes when you are missing someone who actually decide to leave you. 

Let's not be dramatic here, okay? but there are people who leaves us by choice. And darling, you'll also leave people behind, by choice as well. And you'll face the time ahead without them. Friendships and relationships will break, for multiple reasons. And when you are the one who has been left out in the fucking rain it does hurt as hell. You are inside a whirlwind, condemned to live whatever's left of your life without that person. It doesn't really matter why they walked away... maybe they had good motives to do so but even if its a friendship or your boyfriend who has decided he has no longer reasons to stay, you will find yourself falling apart and trying to discover why the days have lost their light and why nothing seems to make sense at all. 
Maybe you'll step down to that pub where you met for the first time or walk along the streets where you used to kiss tenderly (and oh fuck! so fiercely too). 

The light hasn't faded away, though. The big clock from the station keeps moving... but you don't care about this, do you? cause all you can feel is pure grief. You are fucking stuffed with that shit, looking up and praying its your break time and you can run to the toilets to puke all that loneliness. You can try, for sure, but that will not solve the problem because it has spread within your body like a poison, just a bit quieter, killing you softly with memories. You are committing suicide day by day, feeling miserable asking yourself why on Earth you can't be good enough to make him stay? 

Oh baby, but you are. Believe me. You are beautiful inside and out. You are gonna have to hold on and learn. 
Just to make things clear: we don't forget those who leave us, whether its by choice or not. We just learn to live without them. It would be too unfair to forget all those who were important to you, wouldn't it? 

And pain... oh, pain doesn't disappear for good. You learn to cope and live with it. Don't touch the scars too much, otherwise they'll start bleeding again. 

This is why some times I wanna wake up with amnesia, unable to remember. But then again... this would be too unfair as well. 



CarmenJimenezV


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I'm packing my stuff now. My plane will leave tomorrow at 7:55 in the morning and I will arrive home just a couple of hours later ready to take the tube and start my shift at 1:00 pm. Such a messy day, right? 

 I decided to sit down today and write this post cause its my last day in Madrid and I don't know exactly how I feel about this week so I thought it would be nice to write that stuff down.

It's been a busy week. And messy. And I am not pretty sure how it flew away so fast from my hands. It just did. I arrived last Monday and wow, now I am getting ready to get back to London. 

During the days I've spent here, I've had the chance to stay with my nan and my uncle and to see my family and my lovely dog. Not to mention my friends. Oh, guys, I'd missed them a lot so it was awesome to feel them next to me again ♡

When my plane landed, I was scared and nervous and I didn't know what to expect. For various reasons I am a completely different person now and I've changed so I was not pretty sure how it was going to feel to be back in my city. 
Maybe its not correct to call Madrid 'my city' cause its not anymore. I was talking with one of my friends about this the other day. We were having lunch together, enjoying the sun in a glorious terrace and she looked at me and said: "Oh, Carmen... you people from Madrid don't belong anywhere, you don't have a place to call home cause your parents come from different places and no one is entirely from this city". And I sat down there, looking into her eyes and I realised she was right. We, people from Madrid, don't belong here. Madrid is a city for everyone. And thats one of its multiple virtues. 

Madrid, I do love you. With all my heart. I love your streets and your pure white light. I love your restaurants and magnificent buildings. You are so gorgeous it makes my heart stop. But baby, you seem empty to me too. Whenever we meet I feel our time came to its end a while ago. And I like to see you smiling. Because you are calm and funny and beautiful. But you represent a phase that fade away and will never come back.

And yes. Sure. My family and friends are still there. But I don't feel the same way. I am completely different. I have learnt and I have developed and I grew up. And all of this is good.

We all go through different phases so I do not regret leaving Madrid behind. Its funny how the bad phases in life seem to last longer than the good ones, though. However... all of them will come to an end. One follows the other. A different thing will start.  And you will be able to feel it. Cause there will be no time left.

And his makes me both happy and sad at the same time. I am still trying , like Charlie in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, to figure out how this could be. Cause I am happy to see myself starting again, staying positive... believing the best is yet to come. But it makes me sad, terribly sad to think about all the things I am leaving behind: friends, moments, moments with friends, cities, feelings, songs, streets, photographs, people, houses, kisses, starring nights, films, summers, and winters, and trains and planes, new tastes and lips, and hands, beds, green fields, breezes and parks and rivers, dinners, morning breakfasts, Christmas, coffees, presents, clothes, books, places, roses and relationships. And first and last dates, jobs, pubs, trips, habits, cigarettes, idols and words, iloveyous and quotes and heartbeats and smiles and tears and laughs.

And maybe you feel the way I am feeling now. Maybe you are not sure where you are standing. Cause everything seems to be changing so fast. And you don't want to see all of it fading away. And I am still trying to convince myself and accept this. Life and its catchy ways... basically. Its shit, huh? Its difficult as f*ck. Every little thing. And you want to give up cause what's the use believing in this anyway? Oh dear, but you are wrong. Who the hell told you there's no hope left? Cause baby, they were lying.

You have to know there will be kisses and laughs and risks worth taking. And new hugs, and lips and hands and tastes. And sunsets and dinners, and beds, cuddles, morning breakfasts and trips. And pictures, cities, museums and films. And idols, books, trains, planes, cars and motorbikes, coffees, shops and clothes and skies and clouds, storms, hailstorms and snow and oh... even shipwrecks, darling.

And I believe this with all my heart. In phases, I mean. Even though  this thoughts make me both happy and sad. I still hope for the best. I believe things will change. They will probably fall apart just to  fall into place again. Sooner or later. So stay there, soldier. There's no point on giving up now. I know this phase is difficult. I know you've been hurt. We all have. But please, please, please. Hold on tight. Don't give up. I promise you. Oh no, I swear... this too shall pass.
CarmenJimenezV


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While I was writing this post, the usual woman's voice in the tube was announcing that the next stop would be Victoria. I was going to work my 12-9 shift at the shop today and I just realised how much I wanted to write about what has been going on during the past few weeks. Just to keep you up to date...you know?

Oh guys... many things have changed since the last time I wrote a post. I've been busy and messing around and planning and listening to Spanish songs and laughing and moving out and settling down again!

Changes, right? Oh yes! One of my best friends always tells me: 'You know what, Carmen? You've got balls, dear. You are brave! Sometimes I wish I could be strong enough to do what you are doing'. 
And I always look back at her thinking she's a bit out of her mind cause I do not feel brave at all. Not strong either. 
In fact, I usually feel small and weak, just as if a little breeze would be able to blow me away... 

 Maybe its because many things are different right now. I not longer have two jobs, you know? And I also left Kilburn behind (decided to give it a chance and move South!). I live in the other side of the river now. And damn it, I really really like it. 

But I need to be honest with you, as well. I didn't want to move here in the first place. Not at all. Who on earth wants to carry their bags all around London to end up in a new place full of new people? No. I didn't want that. Cause it meant a change. And no. We don't like changes. They are wallflowers, the misunderstood ones.

Let's face this, okay? We, humans, hate changes. It's as simply as that. We are weird and we like to find balance and we love things which stay the same. Cause for random reasons we have developed love for them. And cause good memories have been built around them as well. We get used to them. And we don't understand the reason why they have to be taken away from us.

As for me... I liked going out with my friends to the same cafe every week. Sorry, every day. It was our place. It still is. Even though I live in another country now. I also like my coffee the same way. Every morning. Soya cappuccino with a bit of sweetener (well, with 6 little sweeteners). I also know where to eat my favourite food, the songs that make me happy when I feel a bit down and how I feel when I am next to my family and friends... and hey, I want this to continue the same way. 

I am not saying changes are bad. Some of them turn out to be the key point you need to grow and be happy. I am only saying that we don't like them. Cause we are scared of them. Oh my! For sure. I am scared of not following my usual working-route every morning, for f*cks sake! I am scared of people leaving and starting all over far away from me. I am scared of job interviews and new working hours, with new people, with new responsibilities. And I am terrified of making wrong decisions that will lead me to bad places. 

However, every decision I made... so far, has led me in the right direction. Even though I was scared of making them. Well, of course, of course I was afraid of leaving one of my two jobs. But there was no way I could keep doing both of them. Ending up in hospital was THE warning. I could not stay like that. I didn't want to change, though. What if I ended up with none of my jobs? What if I couldn't afford my rent? But I had to face reality. I had to make a change. And I had to find a new flat. A cheaper one. And it is amazing. I know how lucky I am. It's curious... life and its way to push you in the right direction. It does it a bit hard, this is true... but even though things seem just f*cked up in the beginning, little by little, step by step... they tend to match, to fall into place.

It's not easy, I am well aware of this. When life is pretty messy, too complicated, too difficult... then pam! pam! pam! New city, new job, new language, new people... all at once! Oh! And new feelings, new experiences (not all of them good) and new tastes (for sure). But this is how it works. And that I discovered. Not that I like it. But nothing, I mean it, nothing stays the same for a long time. People fade away, feelings change, you move into a new flat, you leave things behind, you take a new bus every morning and you meet both nice and mean people along the way. Your eyes discover new exciting views, your hands touch a different skin, your heart beats faster whenever that person's around. Your lips and mouth come across new things. And not all of this is bad. It's just different. New. Unknown. A bit far away from the things you are familiar with. That's why they are difficult. 

It will scare you... the day you realise how much things have evolved around you. And you will not understand how you have ended up taking pictures at Platform 9 and 3/4, feeling miles away from the way you were a few months ago. Thinking about your friends, missing the days in which you felt loved by that guy who suddenly forgot all the things you went through. You will be taking a new route to get to work, and you will be missing the hugs your aunt used to give you. You will not be seeing your grandma every day or talking to your parents. And still, you will be there. Facing all those changes that are pushing you hard against the wall. Kicking you when you are already down. But hey, you will still be on your feet. That's what I want you to realise. Things will change. People will leave. The view from your window will be different in a few months. Your friends will find their own way to live their lives. But then again... changing is part of the journey. Make sure all of this take you in the correct direction. Let it renovate  you and help you develop.

 Face this, darling... and you will be changed for good.
CarmenJimenezV

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Last Sunday, as usual, I had a closing shift at the Harry Potter Shop. I like these days cause they are kind of a change and I really like being at the till! I know it does sound a bit odd but I  love it. No kidding. 

I knew it was going to be a good day from the very beginning. First of all cause I woke up before the alarm started bothering me (who the f*ck likes waking up with such an annoying noise right next to their ears?) and because I had a morning coffee while checking random stuff on my laptop. I managed to order the big boxes I need for moving out of Kilburn (next stop: Battersea, yay!)and I also took my time preparing myself to go to work. Niceeee. 

Once I got out of my house I realized it was not really a cold day (it is true that lately its been sunny but I haven't had the chance to feel warm at all!)and this made me smile, even though the gray sky was telling me that I better should've taken my umbrella.

Walking down to the tube station, I listened to some random songs in my old iPod while having a cigarette and when I got to the platform I sat down and waited a bit till the trains arrived. I didn't mind, though. Not on a Sunday like that.
Once I got in the Metropolitan Line in Finchley Road and sat down preparing myself for the 15 min journey, I saw a girl sitting a few steps away from me. I could see her face and her expression. She had the saddest face I have seen in a long time. And suddenly, the day felt a bit darker. And believe me guys... You can tell when someone's got one of those faces. It's not the boring kind of look. It's not the I-Should-Have-Stayed-In-Bed kind of face. It's not the I-Am-Listening-To-My-Music-And-Have-Forgotten-The-World either. It's just sadness. Pure sadness. I promise. 

The girl had blonde hair, tied up in a bun and she was wearing glasses. Her head lying against the carriage, holding onto her backpack as if that was the only thing she had in this world. Even her feet reflected her sad attitude. She was wearing no make-up at all and she breathed slowly. Not earphones or book to distract her. Just her eyes looking at some random point of the floor. Static. I could hear her loneliness. And as I looked at her, I did start feeling cold and lonely as well. 

 At some point, she put her hands together, as if she wanted to comfort herself. She had the saddest face ever. And I kept looking at her, listening to random songs which titles I can't remember right now and wanting to make things up for her. And I knew that was impossible but I felt the need to tell her that sometimes its ok not to be ok. We all feel really low sometimes, you know?  As if nothing makes sense at all. 
Like Audrey and her Mean Reds during Breakfast at Tiffany's. And because I can't go to New York and visit the famous jewelry store whenever I feel like this... I have figured out how to read between the lines and understand what the film is trying to tell me. And that is the importance of healing. Of finding a cure. Of being strong enough to want to run out of those Mean Reds, Blues and Blacks. Re-starting, baby, trying to get out of that state of mind, or state of heart or whatever you wanna call it.

Dress up. Show up, darling. Get out of that f*cking bed. And yes, I know how hard it is. I do know by heart. But there's no excuses. Not a single one that will let you stay at home looking at the ceiling. Wake up! Prepare yourself a coffee (or far way better, buy it outside). Go for a walk. Meet some friends. Go to the cinema to watch that famous film everyone's talking about. Book plane tickets. Go to the nearest bookshop (yes, that one in the corner) and choose a random novel to take home. 

Feel pretty, confident. 
Wear nice underwear and soft make-up. Go partying, have a cigarette, paint your nails bright blue or get a new haircut. And whenever you feel you've forgotten how to walk, go buy yourself a new pair of shoes. 
You can't look at your life and feel emptiness. And if thats the case... find a cure. No matter how bad you are feeling or how big your problems seem to be. Life is too short. Oh f*ck! Days pass by and we keep waiting for something to happen while our lives are fading away. These are your years, babe. This is the time you have. And its in your hands to decide what to do with it. I am not being dramatic, I am just being honest. So even if you don't want to, even if you feel weak and wanna stay under the covers, f*cking get up and appreciate the life you've got. 

And no. Its not easy. Its difficult and tiring. I do know that feeling of just wanting to be left alone and not being disturbed. It's the heart... you know? Screaming that it needs to be healed. Well, I know much better. Just as a mum knows exactly whats the cure for a cold even when her little kid wants to go out and play with the snow. Its not possible, okay? No way you are giving your heart a rest. It needs to keep beating. So make it do it faster. 

And it will hurt. It will hurt because it matters. Like a leg which has been broken and needs to be moved in order to get better, so does your heart. It needs love to work properly. It needs to fall in love with its life and all the things around it. The tube, King's Cross Station and those free coffees at Pret. The Amber and Leaf cigarettes and everyone of your colleagues. The little staff room at the Shop and Piccadilly Circus. All the memories at Leicester Square and the long walks along the river. Your lovely friends and Madrid. Your family, your dog and the picnic's at St James' Park. The latest tweets on your timeline and being able to send beautiful cards. Indian food and Victoria Station, quotes and creative writing. Morning shifts and Longchamp bags. Musicals, singing, and teen literature. Chocolate chunk cookies and the old pub where you had your first date. Pretty pinky things, and Leeds and hot showers and black clothes. 

Oh yes. Having a crush on everything that surrounds you is the best way to keep your heart alive. That's the main thing, babe. The only thing you've got left. Love. And your heart beats for it. 


CarmenJimenezV

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Yesterday I stayed more hours at the Harry Potter Shop. I don't know why. It doesn't make any sense cause I am not gonna be paid for it (for sure). No. I actually signed out at 7pm but... yeah,  when I looked at the time it was exactly 9 o'clock and I was still at King's Cross Station.
I didn't want to go home... you know? I spoke about this with one of my colleagues and she told me she did unterstand what I was talking about. Was trying to keep my mind busy. Oh! And I really like being at the till, guys. 
However, I do realize it was a desperate need of trying not to feel alone and to not have the time to think about the stuff that has been surrounding me lately.

So yeah... I was there guys, sitting in our little and messy staff room trying to decide what to do when I noticed I was completely split between one thing and another, between what I wanted to do and what I was supposed to do. 
Suddenly, this just brought some ideas to my head that I wanted to put down in words. I started to think of how much I remember my parents telling me the difference between 'want' and 'should': Hey Carmen, you want to eat pizza everyday but you shouldn't cause it's not healthy. Carmen, you want to stay in bed all day long just watching rom-com films but you can't cause you should be at work. Carmen, you want to punch that b*tch in the face but you shouldn't cause obviously you'll break your wrist. Carmen, you want to read tonight but you really should try and sleep. Carmen, you want to go out wearing ballerinas but you should not do that cause it's f*cking winter, you live in London and your little toes are gonna get frozen. Carmen, you obviously want him back by your side but you should fight those feelings cause they only hurt you.

And so the list goes on, guys...

There is (ACTUALLY) a great difference between what we want to do and what we should do and we all know that. Once and again these two verbs match though: Carmen, you want to buy yourself a Longchamp and I am pretty sure you should cause you can't keep going around with your shitty Primark bags. Carmen, you want to go to Waterstones and spend time looking for a great book and you should cause this is a good way to improve yourself. Carmen, you want to eat McDonald's today and you should do it cause you deserve to treat yourself once in a while. Carmen, you want to go and study a Literature course and you should spend money on it cause its gonna help you develop your knowledge on this aspect. Carmen, you want to take this boy back to yours and you should cause you actually have deep feelings for him.

Well, fine. These situations are great, aren't they? We are not able to find them so often though so whenever the two rebellious verbs doesn't match (and guys, believe me when I say this happens a lot) all you have to do is to take a deep breath and step out of the situation. Take a minute (or five, actually) to look at it from the outside, to picture yourself tomorrow or in two weeks time... and ask yourself: would I regret having done this? Would this actually hurt me more than its gonna help me to improve and grow and do what I really want to do?

Priorities, guys. That's the main thing. Know who you are and know that is enough. We've all got choices and voices and even though its true that sometimes we just want to follow our instincts and hearts... the truth is that they just (basically) end up messing things around. 

I am not saying that your life must be dictated by your brain's rules, don't get me wrong. I am just trying to make sure you realize that it is important to measure the situations that take place around us. What do you want, darling? And what should you do?

Oh, yeah... you are right... the answer is not easy to find: my mind is telling me one thing... and my heart says another one. Stop screaming inside me! Stop yelling me what to do! Oh! Those f*cking stupid organs, always trying to control me!

My mind says I'm getting better. I'm doing things in the correct way so I shouldn't stop. Oh no, Carmen. You shouldn't go and stay with him tonight. Even if it's just to mess around for a bit. Hey, little girl... you are getting there! You are fighting, Gryffindor! Well done, soldier! Don't spoil everything now. You can actually swim on your own!
And then... ha! there it is... my heart replying so loud: follow me, babe... go and stay with him. Just tonight. Cause you want to, darling. Stop telling yourself you are okay. Are you not listening to me or what? Can't you feel me beating faster whenever he's around? Oh, c'mon! I want you to notice me! I am broken! Let me stay a bit more with him so I can hear his laugh and see his smile. Don't you think I deserve that? I'm already torn! Help me out! Let me hug him and feel his skin again. Just one more night. Am I asking for too much?

Oh, damn!

Step aside, guys. Deep breath. Look after yourselves. What do you want? What should you do? If I must be honest... now that I am thinking about this... I just realize how much I hate the difference between these two verbs. But... hmmm, make them match, guys. Make the things you want be the things you should do. 
Whenever you find the correct balance between the verbs you'll be just fine. Even if it hurts in the beginning... it will get better. That's a guarantee. Make them match. Turn off their voices and think about yourself. What's best for me? Is this gonna help my inner self of what? Cause I don't see the point of doing stuff that's gonna hurt me. 

The good thing here guys is that whether you decide to follow your mind or your heart... you've got a choice. Make sure that choice ends up making you happy.


CarmenJimenezV

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Walking along Westminster Bridge I am listening to some random musical soundtracks. The wind is kinda strong and I am looking down the river an feeling as if I am on stage. Performing, obviously. Getting into each role... you know? Oh wow! What a dramatic girl I have turned into lately!

The truth is that... everyone who knows me is aware of how much I love musicals. And they are all like... Oh Carmen, yeah...stop singing Les Misérables soundtrack! Please! And I always wonder... does this make me a bit weird? Well anyway... who gives a f*ck?

As a musical lover, I am so lucky to be living in London cause (as you all may know) we've got here the West End, where the most famous plays and musicals are performed everyday. 
I haven't had the chance to attend to a lot of them. Yet. I went to Billy Elliot's a while ago and absolutely loved it. It was worth every penny! (Billy is brilliant, guys)
I am also planning to see Mamma Mia! and The Phantom of the Opera as soon as I can. It seems that I am not able to find the time... (or the money!) Oh man! Could my London life get any busier?

However, I did have the chance to attend to many musicals when I was living in Madrid. Les Misérables is one of my favourites, (no doubt!). Also, when I worked as Front of House for the Rialto Theatre '40 El Musical' was on stage and even it had nothing to do with the musicals one could be used to, it was full of energy and always made me smile with its dances and dialogues.

I regret that I never had the chance to see 'Notre Dame de Paris'. Not yet, guys, but I am dying to. I had the opportunity to attend to a representation of this musical when a friend of mine (he's an artist!) performed it with his theatre group. Loved it, btw. The story, the performances... but most of all the songs, Oh guys, musicals make me happy. I just get to feel what the characters feel and I find myself getting into each role and singing stronger (and louder!) than with any other kind of song. 

I've been listening to Notre Dame's songs lately. They make me strong. And they also make me think. There's one specific one that makes me realize the importance of first-sight situations. Have you ever felt them? 
For what I have experienced... there are some times in life when everything just... makes sense. Agreed? A focused photograph appears in front of you. So clear. Clear as pure crystal. Clear as last Saturday's London sky.
Whenever you find yourself in one of those situations... your eyes open wider, your heart starts beating faster and a voice inside you is shouting in your ears: that's it, darling, that's it!

There's these moments in life when the pieces fall into place. Together. Every little detail fits. And this makes you realize all the paths you took just led you to that moment.

I can actually recall so many first-sight situations. And they took place in random days. Suddenly. No notice was given to me but I found myself there I can rememeber my inner-self yelling, screaming: "c'mon kid, this is it. This is what you where looking for so desperately! Take it! Catch the train! Run faster. Look at that map cause is the one that explains how to get out of the maze in which you've been lost lately! 

My heart stops for a moment. And all at once it starts beating as a drum. My eyes completely dry, no blinking and no air coming into my lungs. But then again... finding recovery. My hands trembling along with my body. They tremble gently. And I always feel this thing in my tummy and shoulders and a warm river that gets from the top of my eyelashes to the end of my toes.
My brain collapses. I feel deaf for what seems like hours but it just happens during a few seconds. Instants between seconds, actually. And then... everything goes back to normal. Even though I lost control for a moment, as if I was drunk and dizzy... as if my feet left the ground. But, baby, its always necessary to get them back there.

Listen. Look. For those very first-sight moments. Like when you visited London and saw the Big Ben from Parliament Square and felt as if you belonged in the city that saw painters and poets fading away. 
Or maybe you remember when you went to the theatre and something inside you was whispering that you needed to become an actor cause there was no other way: the stage had to be yours.

That's called love at first-sight, I guess. And yes, dear, you were supposed to be there so every knot could be untightened.

Oh guys... and what about the songs? You are just sitting there, having a coffee at Starbucks with your best friend and this song starts to be played. You listen to the lyrics and suddenly they get into your head. They explain exactly how you feel. Hey, this song understands me!
That's a great first-sight moment, ain't it? The first time you listened to your favourite song or the first time you saw New York's skyscrapers and your stomach went kinda... wow! 
And what about getting back to that first-sight moment when you had an early shift and he saw you? Cause you didn't speak to each other a lot. But that was it, babe... just a look and you were trapped. There was no exit. No possibility of you forgetting the way I smiled. You lost control. And your world stopped for a second... you had never seen anything like that.

And then just... everything made sense. For a while.

So I've been thinking lately about how much I like those first-sight moments where all the pieces match each other. They don't happen quite often but whenever they take place, they make a room for themselves in your memory and stay there forecer. Or, at least, I hope so. I just don't wanna lose that early morning when I saw you standing in silence, looking at me while I was wearing the big blue coat, holding the camera, smiling... cheering everyone up on that cold november day. 

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CarmenJimenezV

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Getting back from work, I'm heading home on the Jubilee Line. And the tube is packed, guys. I can't barely move, honestly. I just wanna arrive home and get into bed. 
After a nap, I'll probably feel strong enough to face the world again. And guys, believe me when I say I am tired. Not only because I work six days a week but because I have lack of vitamins. I feel down, out of energy. Like an iPhone that has run out of battery (and we all know how it feels when your phone dies!) That's why I went to Boots and bought myself some medicines. Hopefully this will help me out. 
Wow! I feel so low. I walked from Piccadilly Circus to Leicester Square Station and I thought my head was going to explode. Its because of this city, I guess. Takes the life out of you. 
Anyway... I walked down the street and I saw all the places we went together a while ago. I was walking down Memory Lane cause I love running into you. And remember our days together. Even though they don't mean anything anymore.

There's this song I listened to the other day and it speaks about regrets but that doesn't match the situation here cause I have no regrets at all. I'm just a bit sad. And you know I've always liked melancholy. Not in the bad sense of it, just this thing when you feel everything is gone but you hold onto the sadness a bitt more cause you feel lonely without the memories. Such a romantic point of view, isn't it? 

I'm probably right by saying that everyone has heard the quote "You don't know what you have until its gone" but I think we just don't really pay attention to its proper meaning. And I am not wrong, I include myself when I say this. 
Everyday I basically just wake up and do my thing. I always have a morning coffee before going to work, I walk to the same tube station and always see the same people during my working hours. And I get back home and I have a shower and I have a bit of time to organise myself. And I work 12 hours on saturdays at the Harry Potter Shop and I hang out with my friends on sundays. And that's it. Honestly... that's all about it. And sometimes I just ask myself... Is this everything then? Is this how its supposed to be? 
And maybe you wake up and you don't feel like having breakfast. Maybe you are still at uni and after coming back you study a bit and finish your assignments... you get drunk and go party on weekends and have family Sundays. 

There will come the time, though. There will come the time when you will ask yourself the same questions: Is that it? I really thought there was gonna be something more...

Well, there's good and bad news here. Yeah, that's it babe. This is your life. But anyway... its a good life. Its a pretty awesome life actually.

Routine is not bad at all. I have discovered that familiar things are good for us. We rely on them and they make our trust grow fondly. Its the things that we don't know that scares us the most. Or maybe that isn't your case, maybe your are and adventurer but ... I am writing this post to make sure that whatever your life feels like, you take the time and appreciate it. 

Appreciate every detail of it cause things change fast and one day, maybe tomorrow or next month or in ten years time, you'll be thinking why weren't you able to appreciate what you had. And now its all gone. And now your dream is gone. 

Look, take a deep breath and learn to enjoy thar Sunday movie with your brothers, put your earphones on and listen to your favourite song while you take your dog for a walk. Appreciate the nights out with your friends and the hugs that your parents give you. Love that morning coffee reading a good book and how gorgeous your boyfriend looked when he stayed last night and was wearing his pyjamas. 

It's the little things, they count so much. And that is what you will be missing in the future, when everything changes you'll be like... wow! Im not missing the big days, I miss the simple ones. 
And that's how I have been feeling lately. I miss the little things we did... our coffees at Pret and the touch of your hands. I miss your brown eyes and the way we smiled at each other. Oh! And I miss how much you love food. I do not really miss the expensive restaurants we went to or that big night when I spent loads of money to take us to the West End. I don't really miss Rupert Grint on stage. I miss the way you laughed and how you hold my thigh during the play. 
And I dind't have a clue of what I was living. I didn't take the time to say, hey, this is amazing and beautiful and kind. Oh no, its now when its all gone that I try to get back those feelings that were hidden on the 'common stuff' of my mind. Not pretty sure if they were common or not. They were just fragile. And that I knew. And as if they never existed they melted so quickly that I didn't have the time to say: don't fade away! I want you! I need you!

Like those little bottles of perfume that break into pieces if they fall to the floor, the little things we have in life break as well. So don't let them go away. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Not ever. 


CarmenJimenezV 
@carmenjimenezv_  
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Yesterday was Sunday guys and for me... that's the best day of the week. Well, that one and Saturday, cause on saturdays I work at the Harry Potter Shop and words ain't good enough to explain how happy I feel whenever I am there. 

Anyway.. yeah, so yesterday was Sunday and I was sitting in my bed (doing not too much) when I suddenly decided to go through my favourite YouTube videos... the playlist, you know? Most of them were songs that I favourited a long time ago. Well, so I was there, listening to those lyrics and suddenly, I felt as if a massive wave had covered me. I could not get out. I was trapped, saying goodbye to sunshine cause I knew that feeling was not gonna let me go away. 

Forgive me if I like to wander in my memories, bringing back streets and paths I decided to take. Forbidden rooms and open doors. And the people guys... I like to bring them back too. And I see them smiling at me. So I smile them back. And we don't have a conversation. We just smile at each other. Those ghosts always play with me.

The truth is guys... that I've got tons of memories. I remember the long sunsets I enjoyed while being at the countryside, back in Spain. Got this beautiful house near the mountains. And the sun seems clear to me over there. The long fields where the wheat grows are endless and there is a little forest where I used to go with my family to pick pine nuts up. Oh, and the starring nights as well. I remember them. The weather is so warm there that you can stay in the terrace, lying on a comfy wood chair, staring at the sky and listening to the silence. Just the silence. Have you ever felt that?
I also remember the morning breakfasts with bread and olive oil and the barbacues and fondues we had together. I can still smell the smoke, I can still hear the dogs barking in the distance. Oh, I am so thankful for that. Even though I am far away now from those days... I remember them all too well. 

I can also recall the good days with people that left after a while. Those ones who promised they will always be by my side... but hey, always is such a strong word.

And I don't blame anything or anyone. I just have this big feeling inside. I want to grab the memories, put them in a box and take the box with me wherever I go. I will collect new memories, tie them up with a ribbon and whenever I find someone I know I want to take my little box out and take our memories out. And the sunset will let us talk about the good times. I want them to tell me what they found along the way... hey, how's your life going? did you find what you were looking for? Yeah, you... did you find happiness?

Well, yeah... I did. And I'm thankful for this: for every experience, for every lesson, for every moment. Cause sometimes we dont realize the things we've been through or all the things we have learnt. It's been amazing, darling, so thank you. And whenever we meet, I will let you know about all the good things I found along the way. I will let you know about London and its magic, I will tell you about the dreams that came true, about the people I met, about all that f*cking green that surrounded me in North England. I will speak about the past as if there was nothing better than those moments. 

So let us toast, for all the good memories. For all the days and nights we spent together. 
And let yourself sink on the beautiful things that happened. Take a minute and get back when you were a kid and you played around in your pyjamas getting ready for school. Let your mind remember the good days when your parents hugged you too tight. And bring back the taste of your last first kiss after going to that pub near King's Cross Station, when the november wind was cold and the street lights were winking at you. Let yourself go back to all the laughs and conversations you had with your friends. And tell me, tell me, tell me... tell me more about those amazing days. 



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CarmenJimenezV

Here are...

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If I must be honest, I wasn't planning on writing this post today but... f*cking hell, I got out of work and thought I would be able to stay at Café Nero in Piccadilly Circus to organize myself and start doing some important stuff I have to do and guess what… yeah, no internet. What the h*ll is going on? I mean… it was supposed to be working and, in fact, everyone who is sitting next to me and got a macbook instead of a windows is able to work with their computers. Too bad its not me. Had loads of things to do but I guess it will have to wait till… well, Sunday, as I am working tomorrow and Saturday. Yeah, great.
 
Anyway… at least I’ve got time to sit down (no coffee, guys… - what I lie, I just bought myself another one -) and just tell you a bit more of whats been happening lately. Havent had the time to write a big post (I know!) but I am back now and its great to say this cause whenever I sit and write a bit, I feel closer to who I really am which, I think, is good. So here it is guys, straight away from Piccadilly Circus, the new post about the things I’ve learnt in the past months.
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Maybe it’s to hard on myself to say it was a mistake but it definitely wasn’t a good idea. I should have known from the very beginning when I saw the look on my friends’ faces the moment I told them I was taking my things and moving to London to be an au pair. Yeah… c’mon Carmen, you must be kidding! Oh, no… I wasn’t. And I became one. For two months, guys. 

I don’t know what made me make that decision but it just happened: I finished uni and a great internship as a film journalist and then I said… what am I gonna do now? Well, the plan was clear in my head cause I always wanted to move to London but how? Well, I took the easiest way. I knew becoming an au pair would give me the opportunity to settle down in the city. I would have a roof, food and some time to think (as if I do not overthink enough everyday) but not a little thing went as I planned them to develop. In the end I found myself in my beautiful London, in a beautiful house, in a beautiful area but living with a crazy family. 

I’ve heard so many bad experiences of friends who became au pairs and had to leave cause they were crazy but I thought it would never happened to me so imagine how surprised I was when I realized I was living the same experience.  

Honestly, guys, there’s mad people out there and mad mums. Mums who wouldn’t let their kids going to the park to see the little ducks cause they have to come “straight home”. Mums who wouldn’t let her kids play with other kids cause “they already have each other”. Mums who would not pick their au pairs up from the airport and left them alone in the middle of London with no place to sleep cause they have to have dinner with some friends. 

There are mums out there guys… mums who would not invite her au pair to have dinner with the family or that would forbid them to go outside their bedroom after 10pm cause the stairs are old and the noise bothers them. There are mums who would hide food from their au pairs cause they “eat too much” and there are mums that will not care at all if their au pairs are sick and would make them work as usual.  Anyway… I think you get my point so… as soon as I could I took my things and left the madhouse. Was then becoming an au pair a mistake? I don’t think so. I just had the bad luck to end up with a disgusting family, plus I am not the au pair kind-of-girl at all. But it also  gave me good things like… free time to enjoy London as a tourist and also a great amount of time to learn more about how to survive in the city cause honestly guys, there’s no madhouse such as London itself.




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Yeah, guys… I am completely right when I say this and most of you will agree with me. Not only in Spain where things are really, really bad these days but also in the UK, where people are struggling day by day to find a proper job. Cause believe when I say there’s loads of shitty jobs out there. No kidding. 


I actually spent one month sending CVs and cover letters anywhere I could imagine cause I desperately needed a job to survive. I remember days when my contact lenses where just dry cause I had spent too many hours in front of my laptop. I would correct again and again my CV and print loads of them and handle them to many places only to get rejections (hell yeah, eh?). 

It's actually a difficult task to overcome. It’s like a map that takes you to nowhere cause maybe you read an ad and you are interested in some exciting post and you expect they will read your CV but then you get an answer and the answer is that they are not interested and that your abilities and skills don’t match at all with the type of person they are looking for so you get depressed... and you see no point in sending any more CVs or in writing a thousand cover letters. 


The waiting is also something that kills you little by little. Most of all if you have a deadline, just as I did because for me it was one month or I will end up in the street. And I tried, guys, I tried so hard to find something within my field that I can’t count the number of applications I sent. It was just frustrating and I was in tears almost every day. I couldn’t find the way out of the situation.


Anyway… (as it always happens) out of the blue I found a job. Great company, great people. It had nothing to do with my degree but hey, this job meant the opportunity to remain in London and free time to settle down in the city so I took it. I desperately took it. 


If I must be honest, eventually all the companies I applied for called me back offering me jobs. Most of all great shops and Café Nero as well! Not any of the companies related to my degree got back to me, though. So… my advice is this: you planning to move to the UK and find a proper job? First of all, you must have time, loads of time and patience (I am trying to develop this last one, btw) and money and... why not? Felix Felicis as well (liquid luck, in case you haven’t read the Potter books!). Things will turn out fine in the end, for sure, but don’t expect a miracle. You will have to start taking random paths first. 


PS: I am a health bar manager, btw.

PS 2: They also called me from the Harry Potter Shop (located at King’s Cross Station) after 3 months of handling my CV and invited me for an interview… so I now have 2 jobs.

PS 3: Some days I have to work 14 hours in a row. 

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If in the last lines you’ve been reading about me crying and struggling to find a job, I don’t want you to imagine me trying to find a house. Took me one month and a half and I basically cried a river when I finally found it. Btw,I don’t know why I am using the word “house” cause its not. Its just a room, guys, a really beautiful and cozy room but not a house. You will never be able to rent a whole house in London… LOL!


Some people would say that it is not difficult to find a room (there’s loads of agencies, you know? And loads of websites that will do the dirty job for you) but it actually was for me. The problem with the agencies is that you start living in a house and the people who live with you change and they come and go and the agency literally doesn’t give a f*ck about you and the people you live with. I didn't want that so I did it my own way. I just created a profile on the internet and started looking for places (double rooms) in nice areas of the city. 


First of all, I was looking for something big (I didn’t want to feel in prison) and close to a tube station. You think I was asking for too much? Not really but well, I did 25 viewings more or less and I visited almost every part of London. Took me hours and tears and I saw nice and expensive places and also shitty places.  I saw rooms that were dirty, houses to be shared with weird and scary people and little rooms with no space at all. I freaked out when I found about the prices which yeah, depend on the area and the size of your room and stuff but they are around the 550 pounds per month, which is a lot for just a room (and this price not always includes the bills!).


During the weeks (looong weeks) I spent looking for a room I was lucky enough to have a friend with a cozy flat who let me stay there. It was a great location but the situation was complicated. I was sleeping in a couch which was in the middle of the living room and I had to wake up every day at 5am to get to work and whenever I arrived back I just had dinner in front of my laptop trying to find a place that I could call my own. I had (literally) no space in the flat and my suitcase stayed in a corner with all my messy clothes inside. Honestly, guys, it was not easy at all and I bursted into tears a hundred times (or more!) I thought the situation was never going to end. 


The days I was not working at the Harry Potter Shop I did viewings and I visited and explored tube stations that I didn’t even know they existed like Seven Sisters, Caledonian Road, Acton Town or Stockwell. I got lost numerous times trying to find an specific street and I pretty much lost the faith and thought I was never gonna find a proper place to live. It was a difficult task cause London’s so big… DAMN! When you come to visit the city you can’t even imagine how big it is and yes, living here has NOTHING to do with coming to spend a weekend. In London you do not live, you just survive. And that is what I was doing so from the very beginning I tried to organize my priorities: house or flat? How many housemates? Oh wow… do I want a single or a double room? The bathroom must be nice!! Would I go North or South? West or East? Which Zone? Is this a dangerous neighbourhood? (like…. let me think, Elephant and Castle, maybe?) and the list of options and possibilities just went on and on. And I’m not good at making choices! C’mon… I don’t know how to choose  what I want for dinner in a restaurant so how I was supposed to choose things like these?  


In the end I got my pieces together and found a great house in a place that… well, a place that I really like. I live in Kilburn (North West London) and my house is so cozy and nice I cant believe I was so lucky to find it. My room is big and I’ve got a beautiful double bed with an amazing duvet cover! Oh, I got a great kitchen and a really nice bathroom, as well as a big wardrobe (Thank God!). My house is located less than one song away from the tube station and I share the flat with the nicest italian girl ever.


I moved in two months ago and I am completely happy here. I like the area and I have great buses that take me straight away to central London. I love the Jubilee Line so its cool to have it nearby and Kilburn High Road is one of the best places to go and visit different types of pubs, plus I’ve got Primark just 10 min walk from my house. How does that sound? It was one of my friends who decided to look up this part of London and it was a good thing cause we never planned to live in Kilburn, but we do not regret it at all.


Now the time when I was a rouge wanderer seem so far away and whenever I stop and think about my homeless situation, it seems to me as if it never happened. Yeah, how cool is the human mind that makes us forget the bad things we experience? I guess it was just time to grow up and I had to do it. I did it. I chose. It was difficult, yeah, but it was also worth it. 


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I know I said it before but I have to repeat it: living in London is not the same as coming here to visit the city. Everything sparkles whenever you come for a weekend and enjoy the red buses, fish and chips and the free museums but hey, London’s difficult as f*ck. And its so fast that one day you open your eyes and its Monday, next day is Friday and the day after that you have been living here for 6 months. 

And I am trying to understand why this thing happens, I mean… sometimes I am in the tube, heading work or going to Central London and I see myself from the outside, running, always busy, always in a hurry… with no time for myself. Londoners have no time to sleep, eat or read. C’mon… are you kidding me? It seems that surviving in London is taking the energy our of me! Have you ever thought why there’s so many fast-food places to eat at? Yeah, cause no one have the time to sit down and eat properly. Cause you find ‘meal-deals’ everywhere you go (crips + sandwich+drink for 3 or less!!) and you see people reading in the tube, just enjoying themselves cause whenever they arrive at home, finding the time to do it just seems pretty impossible. 


And yeah, London’s devouring me as well. I am always (I mean it, ALWAYS) in a hurry and I work so many hours between my bar and the shop that whenever I am home I just want to go to bed. Hadn’t had the time to stay in my room watching a movie or writing some stuff for ages! C´mon Carmen… what happened to you? Have you really turned into a busy Londoner? Well yeah, I should won a BAFTA and an OSCAR for the scene I am in cause I turned into a busy Londoner without even noticing it! And the only thing that comes to my mind right now is that beautiful quote from Gone With The Wind that says “Do not squander time, that is the stuff life is made off”.  So if you are planning to come and live in this messy city, make  sure you buy yourself a great diary to organize your time and don’t let London take extra hours from you. And I want to do that now. I want to take the time to appreciate where I am. I need time to keep settling down and doing things that will help me grow.

Mark my words, London’s selfish and packed and whenever you’ll offer it your hand… it will try to take the whole arm. 

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I am pretty sure you have had plans. I am pretty sure everyone has got imagination. A vivid imagination that helps them develop dreams and images of how they want things to be. Sometimes we just stay in our rooms staring at the ceiling (if we are lucky, there will be fairy lights in there) and imagining how great life would be if something happened this way or if that person would say those things and if my family were this or that way... Has it ever happened to you? Have you ever been lost in those images? Well, I have been. So many times I can’t count them and yeah, the people who really know me understand that’s the way I am. I like fantasy and dreams and feeling you are able to do anything if you try hard. 


Well, that’s not the case anymore. I am not talking from a negative point of view, I am just trying to be honest with myself. I was delusional about every little thing. About life, in general. And I think its something that happens to a lot of people. You just think things are going to be different, in every possible way. Maybe you think you will become someone important if you really try, maybe you think that when you grow up and live your own life away from home things are going to be amazing or maybe you think that when  you study a certain degree you will become who you truly are. For me, it was London. London and its beautiful streets and beautiful people and magic. It was London and its life. Its vibrant, you know? And then again… you grow up. I don’t wanna be dramatic but you start to learn. You learn about peoples behaviour, about how things really work in the real world and you get disappointed. By so many things that I can not explain. Maybe it was that person who left and broke your heart or maybe it was a dream that never came true or it was your plan to travel the world and never come back. But then again...you do not feel the way you planned.


There is so many things that have happened to me throughout the years. I have lost important people who were part of my life and I have seen reality at its worst. And still, I wake up every morning and face the world with a smile (or at least I try to). If I could write a letter to the person I was when I turned 17 I would give some good advice to my inner self. I would tell a younger me not to dwell on dreams and forget to live. But I can’t. When I look at the mirror sometimes I don’t recognize myself. Things have changed so much for me in the past months that I see my reflection and feel as if a different person is looking back at me. 


The things we experience make us who we are. The people that love you or hurt you change you everyday.  And the world is so much difficult outside that you have ever planned it to be. There’s good news, though cause "the world is so much stranger than you imagined, its so much darker and so much madder. But it is also so much better”.  So hey, fill your head with whats important and be done with all the rest. I am sure that now that I moved out of my house (and my city and country!), that I really have everything I ever wanted, that I live in London and that I have had so many experiences since I arrived, nothing turned out to be the way I imagined. Every little detail has been different. But real London is so much better than what I thought in the very beggining. The things that have happened to me are far much amazing than I have planned them to be. I learnt and I grew up so now I know I don't want an illusion, I want reality or nothing. I have been changed for good as I am striving to be more me than I have ever been. And this is a good thing, I think. 


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CarmenJimenezV

CarmenJimenezV. Con la tecnología de Blogger.