While I was writing this post, the usual woman's voice in the tube was announcing that the next stop would be Victoria. I was going to work my 12-9 shift at the shop today and I just realised how much I wanted to write about what has been going on during the past few weeks. Just to keep you up to date...you know?
Oh guys... many things have changed since the last time I wrote a post. I've been busy and messing around and planning and listening to Spanish songs and laughing and moving out and settling down again!
Changes, right? Oh yes! One of my best friends always tells me: 'You know what, Carmen? You've got balls, dear. You are brave! Sometimes I wish I could be strong enough to do what you are doing'.
And I always look back at her thinking she's a bit out of her mind cause I do not feel brave at all. Not strong either.
And I always look back at her thinking she's a bit out of her mind cause I do not feel brave at all. Not strong either.
In fact, I usually feel small and weak, just as if a little breeze would be able to blow me away...
Maybe its because many things are different right now. I not longer have two jobs, you know? And I also left Kilburn behind (decided to give it a chance and move South!). I live in the other side of the river now. And damn it, I really really like it.
Maybe its because many things are different right now. I not longer have two jobs, you know? And I also left Kilburn behind (decided to give it a chance and move South!). I live in the other side of the river now. And damn it, I really really like it.
But I need to be honest with you, as well. I didn't want to move here in the first place. Not at all. Who on earth wants to carry their bags all around London to end up in a new place full of new people? No. I didn't want that. Cause it meant a change. And no. We don't like changes. They are wallflowers, the misunderstood ones.
Let's face this, okay? We, humans, hate changes. It's as simply as that. We are weird and we like to find balance and we love things which stay the same. Cause for random reasons we have developed love for them. And cause good memories have been built around them as well. We get used to them. And we don't understand the reason why they have to be taken away from us.
As for me... I liked going out with my friends to the same cafe every week. Sorry, every day. It was our place. It still is. Even though I live in another country now. I also like my coffee the same way. Every morning. Soya cappuccino with a bit of sweetener (well, with 6 little sweeteners). I also know where to eat my favourite food, the songs that make me happy when I feel a bit down and how I feel when I am next to my family and friends... and hey, I want this to continue the same way.
I am not saying changes are bad. Some of them turn out to be the key point you need to grow and be happy. I am only saying that we don't like them. Cause we are scared of them. Oh my! For sure. I am scared of not following my usual working-route every morning, for f*cks sake! I am scared of people leaving and starting all over far away from me. I am scared of job interviews and new working hours, with new people, with new responsibilities. And I am terrified of making wrong decisions that will lead me to bad places.
However, every decision I made... so far, has led me in the right direction. Even though I was scared of making them. Well, of course, of course I was afraid of leaving one of my two jobs. But there was no way I could keep doing both of them. Ending up in hospital was THE warning. I could not stay like that. I didn't want to change, though. What if I ended up with none of my jobs? What if I couldn't afford my rent? But I had to face reality. I had to make a change. And I had to find a new flat. A cheaper one. And it is amazing. I know how lucky I am. It's curious... life and its way to push you in the right direction. It does it a bit hard, this is true... but even though things seem just f*cked up in the beginning, little by little, step by step... they tend to match, to fall into place.
It's not easy, I am well aware of this. When life is pretty messy, too complicated, too difficult... then pam! pam! pam! New city, new job, new language, new people... all at once! Oh! And new feelings, new experiences (not all of them good) and new tastes (for sure). But this is how it works. And that I discovered. Not that I like it. But nothing, I mean it, nothing stays the same for a long time. People fade away, feelings change, you move into a new flat, you leave things behind, you take a new bus every morning and you meet both nice and mean people along the way. Your eyes discover new exciting views, your hands touch a different skin, your heart beats faster whenever that person's around. Your lips and mouth come across new things. And not all of this is bad. It's just different. New. Unknown. A bit far away from the things you are familiar with. That's why they are difficult.
It will scare you... the day you realise how much things have evolved around you. And you will not understand how you have ended up taking pictures at Platform 9 and 3/4, feeling miles away from the way you were a few months ago. Thinking about your friends, missing the days in which you felt loved by that guy who suddenly forgot all the things you went through. You will be taking a new route to get to work, and you will be missing the hugs your aunt used to give you. You will not be seeing your grandma every day or talking to your parents. And still, you will be there. Facing all those changes that are pushing you hard against the wall. Kicking you when you are already down. But hey, you will still be on your feet. That's what I want you to realise. Things will change. People will leave. The view from your window will be different in a few months. Your friends will find their own way to live their lives. But then again... changing is part of the journey. Make sure all of this take you in the correct direction. Let it renovate you and help you develop.
Face this, darling... and you will be changed for good.
Face this, darling... and you will be changed for good.
CarmenJimenezV
