Yesterday I stayed more hours at the Harry Potter Shop. I don't know why. It doesn't make any sense cause I am not gonna be paid for it (for sure). No. I actually signed out at 7pm but... yeah, when I looked at the time it was exactly 9 o'clock and I was still at King's Cross Station.
I didn't want to go home... you know? I spoke about this with one of my colleagues and she told me she did unterstand what I was talking about. Was trying to keep my mind busy. Oh! And I really like being at the till, guys.
However, I do realize it was a desperate need of trying not to feel alone and to not have the time to think about the stuff that has been surrounding me lately.
So yeah... I was there guys, sitting in our little and messy staff room trying to decide what to do when I noticed I was completely split between one thing and another, between what I wanted to do and what I was supposed to do.
Suddenly, this just brought some ideas to my head that I wanted to put down in words. I started to think of how much I remember my parents telling me the difference between 'want' and 'should': Hey Carmen, you want to eat pizza everyday but you shouldn't cause it's not healthy. Carmen, you want to stay in bed all day long just watching rom-com films but you can't cause you should be at work. Carmen, you want to punch that b*tch in the face but you shouldn't cause obviously you'll break your wrist. Carmen, you want to read tonight but you really should try and sleep. Carmen, you want to go out wearing ballerinas but you should not do that cause it's f*cking winter, you live in London and your little toes are gonna get frozen. Carmen, you obviously want him back by your side but you should fight those feelings cause they only hurt you.
And so the list goes on, guys...
There is (ACTUALLY) a great difference between what we want to do and what we should do and we all know that. Once and again these two verbs match though: Carmen, you want to buy yourself a Longchamp and I am pretty sure you should cause you can't keep going around with your shitty Primark bags. Carmen, you want to go to Waterstones and spend time looking for a great book and you should cause this is a good way to improve yourself. Carmen, you want to eat McDonald's today and you should do it cause you deserve to treat yourself once in a while. Carmen, you want to go and study a Literature course and you should spend money on it cause its gonna help you develop your knowledge on this aspect. Carmen, you want to take this boy back to yours and you should cause you actually have deep feelings for him.
Well, fine. These situations are great, aren't they? We are not able to find them so often though so whenever the two rebellious verbs doesn't match (and guys, believe me when I say this happens a lot) all you have to do is to take a deep breath and step out of the situation. Take a minute (or five, actually) to look at it from the outside, to picture yourself tomorrow or in two weeks time... and ask yourself: would I regret having done this? Would this actually hurt me more than its gonna help me to improve and grow and do what I really want to do?
Priorities, guys. That's the main thing. Know who you are and know that is enough. We've all got choices and voices and even though its true that sometimes we just want to follow our instincts and hearts... the truth is that they just (basically) end up messing things around.
I am not saying that your life must be dictated by your brain's rules, don't get me wrong. I am just trying to make sure you realize that it is important to measure the situations that take place around us. What do you want, darling? And what should you do?
Oh, yeah... you are right... the answer is not easy to find: my mind is telling me one thing... and my heart says another one. Stop screaming inside me! Stop yelling me what to do! Oh! Those f*cking stupid organs, always trying to control me!
My mind says I'm getting better. I'm doing things in the correct way so I shouldn't stop. Oh no, Carmen. You shouldn't go and stay with him tonight. Even if it's just to mess around for a bit. Hey, little girl... you are getting there! You are fighting, Gryffindor! Well done, soldier! Don't spoil everything now. You can actually swim on your own!
And then... ha! there it is... my heart replying so loud: follow me, babe... go and stay with him. Just tonight. Cause you want to, darling. Stop telling yourself you are okay. Are you not listening to me or what? Can't you feel me beating faster whenever he's around? Oh, c'mon! I want you to notice me! I am broken! Let me stay a bit more with him so I can hear his laugh and see his smile. Don't you think I deserve that? I'm already torn! Help me out! Let me hug him and feel his skin again. Just one more night. Am I asking for too much?
Oh, damn!
Step aside, guys. Deep breath. Look after yourselves. What do you want? What should you do? If I must be honest... now that I am thinking about this... I just realize how much I hate the difference between these two verbs. But... hmmm, make them match, guys. Make the things you want be the things you should do.
Whenever you find the correct balance between the verbs you'll be just fine. Even if it hurts in the beginning... it will get better. That's a guarantee. Make them match. Turn off their voices and think about yourself. What's best for me? Is this gonna help my inner self of what? Cause I don't see the point of doing stuff that's gonna hurt me.
The good thing here guys is that whether you decide to follow your mind or your heart... you've got a choice. Make sure that choice ends up making you happy.
CarmenJimenezV
