I'm packing my stuff now. My plane will leave tomorrow at 7:55 in the morning and I will arrive home just a couple of hours later ready to take the tube and start my shift at 1:00 pm. Such a messy day, right?
I decided to sit down today and write this post cause its my last day in Madrid and I don't know exactly how I feel about this week so I thought it would be nice to write that stuff down.
It's been a busy week. And messy. And I am not pretty sure how it flew away so fast from my hands. It just did. I arrived last Monday and wow, now I am getting ready to get back to London.
During the days I've spent here, I've had the chance to stay with my nan and my uncle and to see my family and my lovely dog. Not to mention my friends. Oh, guys, I'd missed them a lot so it was awesome to feel them next to me again ♡
When my plane landed, I was scared and nervous and I didn't know what to expect. For various reasons I am a completely different person now and I've changed so I was not pretty sure how it was going to feel to be back in my city.
Maybe its not correct to call Madrid 'my city' cause its not anymore. I was talking with one of my friends about this the other day. We were having lunch together, enjoying the sun in a glorious terrace and she looked at me and said: "Oh, Carmen... you people from Madrid don't belong anywhere, you don't have a place to call home cause your parents come from different places and no one is entirely from this city". And I sat down there, looking into her eyes and I realised she was right. We, people from Madrid, don't belong here. Madrid is a city for everyone. And thats one of its multiple virtues.
Madrid, I do love you. With all my heart. I love your streets and your pure white light. I love your restaurants and magnificent buildings. You are so gorgeous it makes my heart stop. But baby, you seem empty to me too. Whenever we meet I feel our time came to its end a while ago. And I like to see you smiling. Because you are calm and funny and beautiful. But you represent a phase that fade away and will never come back.
And yes. Sure. My family and friends are still there. But I don't feel the same way. I am completely different. I have learnt and I have developed and I grew up. And all of this is good.
We all go through different phases so I do not regret leaving Madrid behind. Its funny how the bad phases in life seem to last longer than the good ones, though. However... all of them will come to an end. One follows the other. A different thing will start. And you will be able to feel it. Cause there will be no time left.
And his makes me both happy and sad at the same time. I am still trying , like Charlie in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, to figure out how this could be. Cause I am happy to see myself starting again, staying positive... believing the best is yet to come. But it makes me sad, terribly sad to think about all the things I am leaving behind: friends, moments, moments with friends, cities, feelings, songs, streets, photographs, people, houses, kisses, starring nights, films, summers, and winters, and trains and planes, new tastes and lips, and hands, beds, green fields, breezes and parks and rivers, dinners, morning breakfasts, Christmas, coffees, presents, clothes, books, places, roses and relationships. And first and last dates, jobs, pubs, trips, habits, cigarettes, idols and words, iloveyous and quotes and heartbeats and smiles and tears and laughs.
And maybe you feel the way I am feeling now. Maybe you are not sure where you are standing. Cause everything seems to be changing so fast. And you don't want to see all of it fading away. And I am still trying to convince myself and accept this. Life and its catchy ways... basically. Its shit, huh? Its difficult as f*ck. Every little thing. And you want to give up cause what's the use believing in this anyway? Oh dear, but you are wrong. Who the hell told you there's no hope left? Cause baby, they were lying.
You have to know there will be kisses and laughs and risks worth taking. And new hugs, and lips and hands and tastes. And sunsets and dinners, and beds, cuddles, morning breakfasts and trips. And pictures, cities, museums and films. And idols, books, trains, planes, cars and motorbikes, coffees, shops and clothes and skies and clouds, storms, hailstorms and snow and oh... even shipwrecks, darling.
And I believe this with all my heart. In phases, I mean. Even though this thoughts make me both happy and sad. I still hope for the best. I believe things will change. They will probably fall apart just to fall into place again. Sooner or later. So stay there, soldier. There's no point on giving up now. I know this phase is difficult. I know you've been hurt. We all have. But please, please, please. Hold on tight. Don't give up. I promise you. Oh no, I swear... this too shall pass.
CarmenJimenezV
